‘It’s a bag of Chocolate Sprouts…’
I spoke briefly about this story on my Social Media pages a few days ago for those of you that may have seen it. Here I have added more to the story and share my learnings from it which I hope will help others too.
It was Christmas morning and I was going through some of the presents family had sent to my daughter and in one particular bag I pulled out a present and passed it over to her....as I looked back into the bag I laid my eyes on this bag of Chocolate Brussel sprouts 🙈
This would mean very little to most I’m sure but it was an inside joke between myself and my late husband Tom.
He was NOT a fan at all of actual Brussel Sprouts, in fact he detested them. So about 4 years ago I started buying him chocolate ones every year as a joke. I hadn’t bought any this year as it was too painful to think about those sorts of things. So seeing these in the bag stopped me in my tracks and the tears began to fall...I hadn’t prepared for this moment. I was caught completely off guard.
The person who had bought these sprouts as a stocking filler had by no means meant to upset me for a moment.
But what it did was bring back happy precious memories which for the last 4 Christmases I hadn’t realised would become such a poignant thing in the future.
I’d spent weeks preparing myself for Christmas as I knew it would be incredibly tough without Tom. It was his favourite time of year and he completely made it for Heidi and myself. What I hadn’t realised is that I’d got really good at ‘keeping busy’ and not facing into my own personal grief for fear of worrying and burdening my family or upsetting my daughter unnecessarily (quite false reasons I had been telling myself).
I then really paid for having suppressed so much of this personal grief. The tears started pouring and it took some strength to stop them. I decided I would let them flow but because I hadn’t done this for so long and they kept coming. I had ok moments of course but for several days over Christmas week I struggled feeling very tearful, uneasy and hurting a lot. I felt quite unwell at points.
This reminded me of a quote I learnt when doing my training last year from Henry Maudsley. He said, “The sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep.” This could not be more true. In basic terms suppressing our grief, emotions, tears will cause other issues with your body, mind and health if we don’t face into it.
The fact that I had suppressed so much of my own grief was also uncovered and highlighted to me in a Reiki session I had on New Year’s Eve. This was so powerful and eye opening. Reiki is something I had wanted to try for some time and thought I would include it as part of my self care routine moving forwards. As I lay back and relaxed for my distance Reiki session with the lovely Jen Harle, I felt huge waves of energy through my body. The relaxation I felt during this half an hour was way beyond any meditation I had done before. The things Jen picked up were so accurate. I was suppressing a lot, my strength through everything is incredible but I was holding on to so much and I needed to let go more! It was spot on. I am continuing with Reiki healing as part of my self care moving forward. If you are interested in Reiki or finding out how it could help you, you can find Jen on Facebook at 'Real Life Reiki'.
After this I decided to take some time out to really face into my feelings for a few days as the New Year turned and it was the BEST thing I could have done. I cried A LOT. I also made sure that I displayed my emotions in front of my daughter. Which may sound like a no no to some. We had a moment on New Year’s Day, which although was very painful and upsetting as we were both very distressed, it was a connecting moment. She saw me sad and hurting and was comforting me and she found it comfortable to also let her own emotions out. It was a powerful moment and so releasing for us both.
Over these few days I really forced myself to STOP. To STOP being busy. I knew if I didn't I was likely to become more unwell and that was no use to me and certainly not to Heidi who relies on me.
I forced myself to face into feelings I had subconsciously been avoiding. And it was truly liberating, freeing and helped my next stage of healing.
The key here is...
ALWAYS LET YOUR FEELINGS FLOW.
It’s essential when you are grieving in any way shape or form.
Whether you are grieving a person, a relationship or even a future that’s been taken away from you, any form of loss.
I wanted to talk a little bit about the Grief Cycle here in case it helps anyone. I know that learning more about this myself has certainly helped me to understand how moments like the ‘Sprouts’ triggering me actually occur, why they occur and that it's completely normal to lose it like this.
I’ve included a picture here of quite a detailed Grief Cycle. It’s the one I found which most resonated with me. They talk about the 5 stages of Grief and yes, I agree with those to some extent, but I think it’s a lot more complex and unique than that.
I am definitely going through all of the stages on the left hand side of the ‘u-shape’ and I am certainly starting to work my way up the the right hand side of the ‘u-shape’. I have reached some of the stages on the right hand side already but move back to the left when I get triggered. Understanding that this is normal and isn’t me moving backwards has helped me so much and gives me the power to work even more closely on my healing.
This is really the key with any form of grief, this cycle is by no means linear, as you can see from the scribbly lines on the right image. We move forwards, backwards and can jump around on this for some time and there is no right or wrong way to travel through these stages. I feel comfort in knowing that and I hope you do too.
Sometimes there won’t be a trigger for days, months, weeks and then all of a sudden something triggers you (like the sprouts); you have a bad week, and you find yourself back in the Anger, Fear or Outbursts stages and that is 100% OK.
The answer is to NEVER beat yourself up and think you should be at a certain stage at a particular time. You should not. This journey is completely unique for each and every one of us and unique to the type of grief.
I really hope this is useful and helps some of you understand and recognise the stage of the cycle you might be dealing with right now.
Please feel free to get in touch with me if you want to discuss anything about my journey or yours if it would help. My inbox is always open….and I MEAN that. It is my purpose to help others, I believe I was put on the planet to do this.
Thank you so much again for taking the time out of your busy day to read this. I’m very grateful.
I truly hope it’s inspired you, reassured you if needs be and maybe even taught you something. Please share with anyone else you think may benefit from reading this too :)
I appreciate you.
All the very best,
Emma x
Add comment
Comments
Loved this Emma
Thank you for sharing - just what I needed today x